baby bear and the three b*tches (E)

You know how a joke or a funny story is often not as funny when you have to retell it? At the risk of that happening, I'm going to tell you the story of Baby Bear and the Three B*tches. I am also going to place the (E) warning so you're prepared for the possibility of language that may not be appropriate for children.

I was once told that I should do stand up. The person who told me this was my daughter's pre-school teacher. But apart from my trepidation about rehearsed comedy, I also associate stand up with a lot of inappropriate language, which I'm not used to. My husband has a favorite one that really uses a lot of *%&^$ and we poke fun at that, but I try to be careful because I worked with and around children so I don't want to get in the habit of speaking that way and then slip around the little ones. They would never understand that it's all a joke and this is not how we normally talk. I think one day, I decided to let this sort of humor just seep into something so... everyday. Once dinner was ready, I hollered up the stairs, "Dinner, b*tches!" 

My daughter was very much policing our use of language at home at the time and this just appalled her. "What did you say?" she asked. I said, "Dinner, b*tches!" I had to explain that a b*tch was a female dog. They were female and one of them was actually born on the year of the dog so b*tch was an appropriate term of endearment. This was all a joke, of course. She received the information with one eyebrow raised and a request not to be called one of the b*tches. 

I used to read them the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. The book was read every night for a very long time. It went with us on trips to the Poconos, DC, Disney, you get the picture. This particular version, a board book simply called The Three Bears, had cute illustrations and simple language, and we quoted it often when talking about food being too cold or too hot or when someone is on someone else's bed. Fast forward to one lovely Saturday brunch, just me and the kids. That morning, I think we were just overanalyzing the story of The Three Bears when someone asked what Goldilocks was doing in The Three Bears' house. What was she even doing in (what looked like) the middle of the forest where the home of the Three Bears was? Enter my theoretical explanation about the existence of Goldilocks - the back story - or maybe we can call it the prequel to Goldilocks and the Three Bears. 

See, Goldilocks was having a really bad day. She had had it with her mean stepsisters, her evil stepmother and all the cleaning and just wanted to mingle with the birds and take a walk. But she got carried away, lost track of time and she was starting to get hungry. When she spots the cabin in the woods, well, why not take a peek, right? Exhausted and ravenous, she walks into the home of The Three Bears... and so goes the story of Goldilocks and the Three Bears. But if that story sounds familiar, it's because you probably know it as... Cinderella.

This ending makes room for a sequel

Now for the other exciting development. We go past Goldilocks and the Three Bears and try to find out what happens to the bears after this highly traumatic encounter with Goldilocks the intruder. The ending as we know from our version of the book is that Goldilocks ran away from them. On the last page, it says, they were to never see her again. But let's ignore that for one second and think about what the effect of all this excitement was to Baby Bear. How scarred was he by this experience? Seriously, if someone broke into your house while your entire family was out and you came back and discovered all the things this person had done, you would have a version of PTSD for the rest of your life. So Baby Bear takes all that fear, anger and paranoia, channels it into intensive ninjutsu training and comes out the other side a brand new, albeit homicidal, ninja bear. Meanwhile, he also develops a sort of obsession with Goldilocks. Armed with serious cybersmarts and his stealth training, Baby Bear finds out where she lives and decides to return the favor years later, by paying her family a visit. When he gets there, he finds not only Goldilocks, but also her 2 stepsisters... are you still with me? This section of the story, the sequel, is now going to be called Baby Bear and the Three B*tches, which could also be the name of our family band. Baby Bear being my husband and well, you know who the Three B*tches would be. Got a nice ring to it, no?

But wait, there's more! While we are unclear about what happens in Baby Bear and the Three B*tches (the story hasn't yet been written), we can just fast forward to the ending, which is Goldilocks running away with Baby Bear, her one true love. Them finding each other sounds great until we realize that there is going to be a very big problem with this interspecies union as one of them is a bear and the other is not. But someone kind of already beat me to writing this story and producing it into a movie. They just changed some key details and now we know the story as... Shrek. 

As you can imagine, all this storytelling, in the midst of a late morning meal, was met with wild guffaws and a sh*tload of raised eyebrows from my younger daughter. I told you it was not appropriate for children. But this is an example of those super silly moments that bring my family together and creates memories so outlandish and nutty, they're unlikely to forget. Maybe one of these days you'll get a chance to hear our holiday jingles that revolve around our strong love of... bread. 

a much-loved board book 

Playlist Recommendation: All Star, Smashmouth